Ladies and Gentlemen be prepared for a tale.
About the only human cock that can please a blue whale.

It started one morning when I woke up annoyed
With a hole in my life that left me a void.

I felt lonesome and sad about what I was worth
And if I had a purpose on this place called Earth.

Then one day I remembered this legend of myth
That caught my eye and my ear like it did Kevin Smith.

About something so huge it should be guilty of treason.
Yes, I’m talking about the cock of one Liam Neeson.

It left me with questions whose answers had guesses
And I had to replace them with no’s or with yeses.

So I packed up my bags and got my stuff off the shelf
And headed to the house of Kevin Smith himself.

The house was enormous and came equipped with a pool.
The doorbell rang “Bezerker” which sounded pretty cool.

It made me think he’s the best director, no doubt
Until I realized he did Jersey Girl and Cop Out.

Kevin answered the door with a tired looking pout
With his bathrobe untied and his gut hanging out.

His boxers were showing and he was wearing one sock
As I said “Can you please tell me about Liam Neeson’s cock?

Does it perform miracles like everyone says?
Does it rise a 1,000 stories and jizz out Pez?

Can it help me with my problem and allow me to give
Me a purpose in life and a reason to live?”

But Kevin instead told me its legend and lore.
But I couldn’t understand him; he was baked off his gourd!

Then he got off topic and talked of other things instead
From when he met Mewes to the first time he got head.

I wasn’t too sure if he was being full of shit
It got a little awkward I must admit.

After twenty long minutes of embarrassing himself,
He said “wait one second and let me get Ralph.”

The man walked in half drunken and smarmy.
And I thought,”This is the leader of the motherfucking Garmy?”

He had a five o clock shadow and sunglasses on his face.
He hadn’t showered in a week which I thought was the case.

I asked him several questions and I asked them all quick
About every tall tale of Liam Neeson’s dick.

“Does he cum out humans or spacemen instead?
Can he cause eclipses with the tip of his head?

Does it shake its own human? Is it considered a yacht?
Are there intermissions between cumming or not?”

Question after question kept on coming up
Until Ralph finally said “DUDE, SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!”

With frustration upon him Ralph turned his back
And said “You are more annoying than Rebecca fucking Black!”

I apologized and told him of my sadness and strife
And the sad sad tale of my miserable life.

“I must go there,” I said, “and even if I died
I would be fine with that as long as I tried.”

Ralph turned back and said “If your life is in doubt
You don’t need a cock to figure that out.”

I said “I don’t care what you think. This is the last shot I got.
I’m going to this cock whether you like it or not!”

With his sunglasses on Ralph could clearly see
That no words on this Earth would ever convince me.

He then held up a picture, held tightly in his fist.
He said “If it’s that important to you then you will need this.”

“It’s Chelsea Handler,” he said, “butt naked and bare
And no matter what you do don’t look at it and stare!”

“This picture thwarts off demons and corpses from Hell
You will need it where you’re going; it has served me well.”

I thanked Ralph profusely as Kevin lit a blunt.
And I stowed away the picture of that Talentless Cunt.

I got into my car with my belongings equipped,
And so began the journey of my uncertain trip.

Days turned into weeks as I traveled to whatever.
I continued with a purpose on this uncertain endeavor.

I have never felt more excited in my life.
Will it help me find fortune or fame, or even a wife?

Then as I crept closer at the brightest hour.
I stared into the distance this overwhelming tower.

I looked at it in awe while driving from afar.
Until I realized there’s no gas in my car.

I packed up my items and everything I had.
I felt like an idiot I was so fucking mad.

I pulled out my umbrella as I then shut my door
Thinking what in the hell would I need this for?

It’s been sunny all day and hasn’t rained in some time
And I had no cash on me, not even a dime.

But then I thought in order to have this journey completed.
This may possibly be the one thing that I needed.

With everything to my name and a hole in my sock.
I headed due east to Liam Neeson’s cock.

Days turn into weeks with that cock as my beacon
Hoping it provides me the answers I’m seekin’.

And finally I arrived to the center of it all
As I amazingly stared upon a cock so tall

I looked around and as I stared in fright
It looked like a war zone, judging by my sight.

Then suddenly a man approached and to me he did say
Was “What brings you here on this sunny day?”

I calmly told the man of my motives and purpose
And if this cock would have some answers that could surface.

The man said “there are no answers for you here.”
“Turn around and leave now. Am I being clear?”

With frustration upon me with every word I could say
I told him “I did not come this far to turn back today!”

“Now move out of my way,” as I picked up a rock.
“I am going over to see Liam Neeson’s cock!”

The man clapped his hands and I first saw a score
Of people which turned into two hundred more.

I then dropped the rock and then while staring at that “rocket.”
I nonchalantly put my hand in my pocket.

I took out the picture not knowing what would come
Of Chelsea Handler butt naked and what could be done.

I showed it to the man and he appeared to be aching
and he was quivering all over and impulsively shaking.

Of the things that I’ve seen, this was the first
Of seeing a man’s head spontaneously burst!

Bloody chunks of skull and brain fell on the land
And all of it due to this picture in my hand.

I showed it to the others, and from what I did see.
Heads exploded off shoulders and landed on me.

I inched closer and closer to the goal I was obtaining
And because of this picture I wasn’t complaining.

Then suddenly we felt the earth tremor and shiver
As I thought, “Boy Chelsea sure knows how to deliver!”

But to my surprise it wasn’t Chelsea that was quaking.
For it was Liam Neeson’s cock that appeared to be shaking.

With fear on their faces they immediately fled.
So instead of fighting them I joined them instead.

Not knowing where I was going I continued to run
Until the rest of the people’s running was done.

When I got to the front I saw where they were going.
For it was the entrance to Anne Heche’s butthole showing.

Without hesitation I yelled and I cried
At the top of my lungs, “LET’S ALL GO INSIDE!!!”

One by one we had entered into the dark canyon
With what once were my enemies were now my companions.

Though sitting inside it seemed a tight fit
But there’d be room for much more if there weren’t so much shit.

But it could be real spacious, which I did think was true.
This could be a one bedroom, hell maybe two!

She could clean this with a colonic, if only she would try it.
Or at the very least get some more fiber in her diet.

I looked at the nearest person and I quietly said.
“Why did we run to this cavernous shed?”

The person let me look outside to show me
A merciless montage of explosions were going.

He said “Liam Neeson cums so high in the sky
That it goes out of the orbit.” as I saw the shots fly.

“Every time that he shoots from that erect tower
It all fires back down like a meteor shower.”

After watching for an hour with no sign of stopping
Of Liam Neeson’s montage of jizz missiles dropping,

I spoke to the people again of my strife
And my purpose for coming to renew my life.

Unlike the first man who appeared so resentful
These people instead were more calm and more gentle.

With sympathy on my side, their respect for me increased
And they all let me go once the missiles had ceased.

I thanked them for their kindness as they all wished me luck
As I continued on my trip to Liam Neeson’s cock.

I looked at that cock and I said “now it is time
For me to get out my gear and begin to climb.”

I climbed and I climbed relieving all of my cares
While camping to rest and fighting grizzly bears.

I met Eskimo tribes and saw eagles flying
This must be like heaven only if I were dying.

I hunted for rabbits and other wild game
As I ate in quiet peace in a world so tame.

And just as I wished this adventure wouldn’t stop,
I made it to the summit and then climbed to the top.

I looked upon the Earth and amazed in shock
That I finally reached the top of Liam Neeson’s Cock.

Then something from under me took away that peace
For there was a strange feeling and my happiness ceased.

In that moment I realized that there was peace no more;
For I knew that I have felt this same shaking before.

The shaking intensified as I lost my grip
And the very next moment I fell and I slipped.

I plummeted downwards to that death of a floor
It was then that I realized what my umbrella was for

I opened it up and I opened it quick
While trying to look for shelter from that exploding dick.

And at the last minute and not having a chance
I lost the picture of Chelsea that escaped from my pants

It fluttered into the air and with little surprise
The picture landed face down on Liam Neeson’s eyes.

At that moment I looked up and as I was landing.
I saw that the cock was no longer standing.

Instead it was on the ground, and just as I suspect,
Liam Neeson’s cock was no longer erect.

My friends from the cave came over to see
The sadness of the cock lying right next to me.

The one that I spoke to looked at me and he knew
And then asked me angrily “WHAT DID YOU DO??!??”

I told him of my climb and I was falling fast
And how my picture of Chelsea slipped from my grasp.

“How dare you,” he said as he pulled out a knife.
Saying, “why would you dare ruin our way of life?”

He charged at me with it and I wrestled him down.
And I was fighting for my life as a crowd gathered round.

I fought against him with everything that I got
Until I heard a booming voice yelling out “STOP!”

With his knife inches from my throat and his goal nearly complete,
We saw Liam Neeson was on his two feet.

With anger on his face and Chelsea in his fist,
He held it up and said “What is the meaning of this!!!”

I walked to Mr. Neeson, my head down in shame.
I then told him my story, beginning with my name.

I did what I could to explain myself.
How I began coming here thanks to Kevin and Ralph.

From the weed to the car to Anne Heche and this land
And of course I had to mention the Cunt in his hand.

Mr. Neeson then spoke with my legs feeling weak
And he said “This is not the Cunt that you speak.”

He showed me the picture and to my surprise and awe.
That the image in this picture wasn’t Chelsea at all.

It was then that I realized that I discovered its place.
For these are the eyebrows on RALPH GARMAN’S FACE!!!

Though I did understand how this picture dropped asses
And the reason why Ralph Garman wore his sunglasses.

I looked at this picture and but instead what I saw,
Was something amazing and left me in awe.

I felt compelled to stare and right there I then came.
To a pair of eyebrows that put Chewbacca to shame.

And finally at last I discovered my niche,
And that my role in this life is as Ralph Garman’s Bitch!

But with no car to my name or a way to get paid,
I once again asked for Liam Neeson’s aide.

“I have no way to travel which for me is real bad.
Is there a way for you to get me back to Ralph Garman’s pad?”

“There is a way for you to get there,” he said.
“But first you must get on top of my head.”

“But I have gone limp from a picture so sick.
Is there a way for you to erect my dick?”

Without a moment’s thought I knew of one place:
That dark gloomy tunnel on the back of Anne Heche.

I knew immediately the one song that he covets,
But I will need some help from everyone at the Lovitz.

So everyone there sing that one song for me,
At the top of your lungs and on the count of three!

(one, two, three…)

Jesus Christ that was pathetic! Is that the best you are bringing?
I would have better luck with Lindsay Lohan singing!

Now do it again with everything that you got!
For the sake of what’s holy and Ralph’s balloon knot!

(take two.)

With a shake of the earth and the amazement of my eyes.
And without hesitation I saw that cock rise.

I jumped onto that head and let him do the rest
As Liam Neeson pulled his cock back to his chest.

But before I left I had one question to ask him,
“What’s the meaning of life?” was what I put past him.

Liam Neeson thought for a second or two
And then said to me “Dude, I have no fucking clue!!?!!

I always get asked that, which leaves me distraught
I just have a big cock and that’s all that I’ve got.”

I thanked Liam Neeson and told him goodbye.
He nodded and smiled and sent me into the sky.

I soared into the air and over this land
Hugging my umbrella and the picture at hand

And when I was able to see Ralph Garman’s place.
I opened the umbrella and put on the brakes.

I landed in his yard and yet I pondered this thought:
Will Ralph even take me or not?

It’s not often you tell someone you are their whore
But I still persevered and knocked on the door

Ralph opened the door and he stared into my eyes
As I held up the picture and a look of surprise.

I said, “Why did you fill my head with such lies?
For now it is clear you’re wearing a disguise.”

With shame on his face and appearing so dim
I gently removed the sunglasses off him.

“I can tell you this Ralph and this is a fact
Because you can see that my head’s still intact.

I look at this picture and to me it’s not gore.
In fact this picture to me means much more.

You once told me before if my life was in doubt,
I didn’t need a cock to figure that out.

And now as I stand here I now know you were right
And because of that I offer you this plight.

I offer you this and everything that I’m giving
Please take me and show me why Life is for the living!”

A tear shed from my eye as I wept and I cried,
But Ralph just smiled and took me inside.

Ralph looked at me and said “Prepare to rock out!
Now take off your pants and GET YOUR COCK OUT!”

From then on I felt like the richest of the rich,
And thanks to Liam Neeson I discovered my niche.

And now I hang happily as I’m chained to these walls
As I play with his toes while he gargles my balls.

Enjoying every shriek and orgasmic slur,
Knowing he’s done with a “How dare you sir!”

And I also get to hear his voices at best
From Ed Wynn to Pacino and of course Adam West.

And once I’m chained up after an hour of fun
I look forward to tomorrow and what more could be done.

I thank you one and all for listening from the start.
But sadly it is now time for me to depart.

So I say farewell to you, goodbye and so long
As I hang here before you, Garmy fucking strong.

THE END

~Doug from Massachusetts